Now that I am a fully qualified taxi moto passenger, I felt I should provide you with guidance, since you are such a novice. These guidelines are from my extensive experience.
1. Make sure your driver has enough diesel in his bike or else he will have to stop at side of the road, and lean it in all sorts of directions to splash every last drop into the engine, and when that works he will mutter under his breath that the journey is too far, and what he means is that he is fearful that he will not get back to the petrol station.
2. Always haggle. As a general rule of thumb use the German severe facial technique, which always beats the British weaker mentality (like mine) and reduces the fare by 25%. Though I do remember that your willingness to haggle was non existent - so you may have to add another 30% for Irish awkwardness.
3. However, when you offer the taximoto 1200RwF for a journey, and he does not understand, and says 100, and you agree to 100 (which is clearly robbing the poor guy), take the opportunity to do some language tuition at the end of the ride, and give him 1000 RwF (which is what he meant) –you have made 200 profit, which is still more expensive than the German would have paid. Also make a mental note that you could have had the same journey for 800 - 1000 RwF. you will still give in and pay 1200, but I want you to know how weak you (and I) are.
3. Keep your knees in. You can lose them in the tight fit between cars at rush hour. In fact, thigh squeezing is recommended for the whole trip. It is part of the technique, and stops you shooting up in the air when he goes over a bump or 5 too fast
4. Note the taximotos often do not have speed counters that work. These are the fast ones who have clearly turned them off so that they can argue better with the police about why they were doing 70 in a 40 km/hr limit. They also regularly go through red lights, drive up the wrong side of dual carriageway into oncoming traffic, and take risks with your life. They are also the most fun!
5. Try not to overload the taximoto. You will see many strange sights, even Macfarlane carrying a slow cooker, someone with welding equipment, and others with TVs. These are all ok. A surf board might also be ok, but nothing bigger, and please do not go on a taximoto with your kayak, as you previously suggested - it really is asking for trouble! The paddle might fall out.
6. Remember you call a taximoto by going sssssssssssssss. Its accepted practice – they can hear you at 150 yards. Always check the helmet for any ability to tighten up the helmet strap. One in 10 helmets will not fall off in an accident, and it would be a shame for your skull to dent the bitmac, when the strap might just be able to hold the helmet on – rare I know, but worth checking
7. Closing your eyes means that you miss all the fun. Take your own advice and watch the scenery go by, even if you cannot quite focus because of the tears, and pain. Try letting go. Instead of holding onto the handles behind you, take both hands off and just relax! Excellent for the soul. It allows you to see the interesting sights and to ask yourself why a beauty of parlour is named after your Saviour. And no - do not go inside. There is nothing they can do to improve your attractiveness.
I hope that these pieces of advice will help you when you come out to Rwanda with me in January with you friend and mine, Bad Boy Bennie. Please pass on the advice secretly to him, and avoid the wives Rena and Mary. They must not know of our intended Taximoto race.
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